


Say goodbye to who I was

by Taliesin_niseilaT



Series: Meet Me In The Woods [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 3x16 “Into the Speed Force”, M/M, Swearing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 18:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10418199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliesin_niseilaT/pseuds/Taliesin_niseilaT
Summary: After the breakup, there’s only one person Barry wants to see.If there was anything further Julian was planning to say on the matter, the sight of Barry’s grief-stricken face stops him in his tracks. ‘Barry,’ he says, ‘Bloody hell, what’s wrong, mate? Come in.’





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from ‘Meet Me In The Woods’ by Lord Huron.

_say goodbye to who I was_

Barry runs, tears streaming down his face, after breaking up with Iris. He said he’s going to Cisco’s but his feet take him where he really wants to go. It’s the second time in a week Barry knocks at Julian’s door. The last time, when he tried to apologise for the latest in a never-ending series of fuck-ups, it didn’t go so well. But Julian’s been behaving pretty normally around Barry since then, once he got the pain and rage off his chest. If there was anything further he was planning to say on the matter, the sight of Barry’s grief-stricken face stops him in his tracks. ‘Barry,’ he says, ‘Bloody hell, what’s wrong, mate? Come in.’ Julian takes hold of his arm and firmly steers him to the couch.

 

‘I broke up with Iris,’ Barry says after what seems half an eternity of staring at Julian’s cream-coloured floor tiling. ‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.’ Barry bursts into tears again, gulping for breath, accepting the tissues Julian wordlessly offers. Obviously providing comfort is not his speciality, but Barry came here instead of going to Cisco or Caitlin, so Julian isn’t planning to let him down in his hour of need. He fetches a glass of water for Barry and when that doesn’t help, hesitantly wraps an arm around his shoulders. Barry twists until he’s got his own arms around Julian and his face pressed into the other man’s chest. He’s still sobbing, but it’s less intense now.

 

Once Barry’s reasonably calm, he starts talking. ‘I spent all these years... I can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t in love with Iris. I had a couple of relationships but she was always there in the back of my mind, you know? Like an undercurrent.’ Julian nods. He does know. His arms tighten around Barry for a moment. This isn't what he thought their first embrace would be like, at the rare times he still allows himself to wallow in fantasies of Barry. He attempts to keep himself distracted. But trying to build something with Caitlin... not a good idea, with Barry there. Like an undercurrent.

 

‘I always thought if I was ever lucky enough to be with Iris, there was no way I was going to do anything to screw it up. And now I’m the one to walk away from her, I don’t even know what... fuck!’ Barry pulls away from Julian, gets up and starts pacing through the living room. ‘You’re under a lot of pressure, Barry. And it makes you do things that have unforeseen consequences. People get hurt.’

‘Like I hurt you,’ Barry says, meeting Julian’s eyes head-on, ‘And I’ve run out of excuses for my behaviour.’ Julian’s unsure how to react to that. Eventually, he tries, ‘Barry, look. You must feel like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders. The sole responsibility to keep this city safe, to run this team, and to build a family. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to just let go of something for a while. Take the sharp edge off.’

‘I can’t... What are you saying? I should give up being the Flash?’

‘No. But you should learn to rely on your team, half of whom have superpowers of their own, and trust that we can keep the city safe while you take five minutes for yourself.’

 

Barry’s stopped pacing and sits down next to Julian, just listening. ‘Trust me, Barry. If you’re running around half-crazed, pressured by stress and fear, there’s no way you can stop Savitar. You won’t be able to think _or_ punch your way out of a cardboard box. I’ve been there. It’s bad. I don’t want that for you.’

 

It feels wrong, sitting here, demanding emotional support from someone Barry has done such damage to. It isn’t fair, the way Julian keeps on _giving._ If they had never met – if Barry hadn’t created Flashpoint – what would Julian’s life look like now? Pretty good, he imagines, with a living, happy sister, no Savitar, no alter ego, probably a good relationship, a nice job back home in England. Instead he’s here, hurt and traumatised and fighting tooth and nail to get his life back on the rails and somehow finding energy to try and help Barry, who deserves none of it.

 

Seeing Barry sink away in his thoughts, Julian reaches out to squeeze his hand gently. Barry looks up in surprise, like he’s suddenly realising something.


End file.
